That time when I fainted with my pants around my ankles: My coil experience
Circa Feb 2017
Weight: who knows
Relationship status: single
Food consumed today: nothing before my appointment (which was a bad mistake)
Today is the day. The day I’m getting my coil fitted. It’s really hard to muscle up the courage to crawl out of my warm sanctuary knowing that I’m going to have to spread my legs and have two women staring at my nether regions. However I couldn’t imagine having a child either so needs must. Why can’t men do this stuff? Women have it way worse.
The anxious leg wiggle in the waiting room is extra strong today. DINGGGG “Hannah Mac Mahon to room 4 please”.
Dr: "Hi Hannah, so you’re hear for a Mirena Coil fitting. Can I ask what your reasons are for this".
Well what do you think Dr? I just fancied having my uterus poked and prodded at.
Han: "As a form of birth control, I’m limited to what I can have due to my migraines."
Dr: "Ok great, is there any chance that you can be pregnant?"
That Dr, would only be possible if I were having sex or by some form of a miracle, carrying our lord and saviour Jesus Christ
Han: "no, I’m certain"
Dr: "Ok well if you want to take off your pants and lay on the bed with this paper over you"
Why are Drs surgeries always freezing when so many people are required to undress. I’m laying on the bed and just thinking - it’ll be over in two minutes Han, it’ll be over before you know it.
There is a nurse here also, she’s nice and holding my hand as she can tell I’m nervous. They put in the ‘vagina spreader’ thing, that’s not the technical term but you know what I mean. Wow. This is more painful than I’d imagined. Ok this is taking way longer than I thought it would. I think there is something wrong as the Dr is tutting and sighing.
Dr: Oh you have a very narrow Cervix Hannah
Thank you? I like your earrings. Now is not the time for compliments. Just please get this done so I can put my pants back on.
Han: Oh really?
Dr: Most people who get coils fitted have had children so it’s easier. Nurse, would you give me a hand please?
Ten minutes later and she’s still trying. I feel like I am going to cry with this pain, It is excruciating, if child birth is worse than this well.. well at least I don't have to cross that bridge for five years now. Oh gosh, but I did see an article where someone got pregnant and the baby was born holding the coil. That could happen, I mean if it were to happen to anyone it would be me. Stop. Overthinking. Hannah!
Dr: We’re just going to try one more time Hannah and then we’ll have to call it a day, it’s being very tricky.
You’ve got to be kidding me?!?! I’ve gone through all of this pain for you to not fit it?
Han: Ok, no problem 🙂
After ample prodding and poking..
Dr: Bingo! We’ve managed to fit it, well done for hanging in there. If you want to pop your clothes back on and take a seat. Thank goodness for that, this has taken way longer than I thought, I'm supposed to be on a call soon.
I do not feel very well. I’ve stood up and TIMBERRRRR. Yup, I fainted. Next news I’ve woken up on the floor with one leg in my jeans and one out.
Mrs Nice Nurse: "Hannah, Hannah! Are you with us sweetheart?"
I just smiled and tried to get up and sit on the chair. Mrs Nice Nurse had got me some biscuits and a cup of tea. Well, what a palaver, I’m pretty sure I have a call in 30 minutes too as I hadn’t anticipated that this would take so long. Why am I worrying about this now? You just fainted hun.
The Dr suggested that I’d fainted because I hadn’t had anything to eat before my appointment and my blood pressure was very low. I was just nodding but not taking much in at the time. I was told I wasn’t allowed to drive back home and they suggested that I just go to my grandmas which is just down the road, which I did.
Now I have the fun part of explaining to my Grandma why I have had birth control fitted when I’m supposed to be celibate until some unlucky man makes me his wife… I think this conversation will be more painful than the fitting!