Christmas Eve 2019
Weight - resembles the Christmas turkey
Relationship status - very. much. single
Alcohol units - 0 (excellent) well it was zero when I started writing.
Food consumed today - some left over roast potatoes, a pack of roast beef monster munch and a cherry Bakewell.
Age - 26
Woke up to kisses on my nose, no, not by a lovely man - no no nooo. By my dog, which I suppose I’m not that mad about, she doesn’t take up as much room in the bed. It’s Christmas Eve, how is it Christmas Eve?! Ugh, the last thing I feel physically or emotionally equip is to get up and start on Christmas dinner prep. I’m now back at my parents house at twenty six, TWENTY SIX. It’s just so humiliating at my age. I’m saving to buy a house within a year but it’s becoming more realistic that I will be buying… you guessed it, alone. I can do this - I’m a strong independent woman that can stand on her own two feet! Well, after I’ve had my coffee.
My head is pounding and I wouldn’t be so mad If it was because I was out painting the town red but I stayed in sobbing to Love Actually. I love that film. It keeps me hopeful that eventually I’ll have my happy ever after. In the true spirit of self destruction I looked to see if my Ex had viewed my instagram stories, he hadn’t, which is unusual. I looked on his profile and he’s unfollowed me.
Han: He unfollowed me on insta, my heart sank.
Bestie: oh 😞 his feed is going to be boring. Just more proof that he is a stupid person
Han: or that he just doesn’t give a sh*t about me. I don’t get it, why can’t I be like that? I mean, I broke up with him?! Why am I so bothered? He was a rubbish bf and so cruel a few weeks ago. In everything else I am so black and white but when it comes to love it is just a big grey area for me. Even if I know it wasn’t right, it’s like I’m constantly connecting my relationship status with my self worth.
Friend: It’s self acceptance. You accept you’re good at your job and what you’re worth with friendships. It’s easy to make those decisions, whereas with love, I think you don’t accept that someone can love you because you don’t love yourself.
Han: yeah :’(, it’s horrible.
Bestie: 2020 is the year that Han learns to love herself ❤️ All imperfections that you think you may have, to all your strengths. You’re gonna love every single one of them. Because without them, you’re not Hannah Claire Mac Mahon ❤️ I feel like I’ve completely made your middle name up there. (She hadn’t)
Gosh I’m lucky to have her. She’s so right though, I invariably tie my worth to things outside myself. Why do I do this?
Mum is unwell again, she now has Cellulitus - she may have to be admitted tonight which means she’ll be in hospital over Christmas. I’m hopeful that she won’t have to be though.
Is it too early to have a drink? It is Christmas Eve after all.
Update - I had a baileys at 11:58am.